Thursday, October 30, 2008

one quick and painful death...

one quick and painful death...


it's hard to accept that your dream was taken away from you -- again........ and that you only have 3 days left to enjoy that dream........ no warning, no whatsoever....... just a hard, quick, painful death.......


... i dont' want to be so uberly melodramatic.... i have said my piece to them and i guess that's enough....... it was a hard decision for them to make also and i'm sorry i made it even more difficult........ i know i'm a handful it's just hard not to exercise my freedom of speech...... but dont' worry, i won't try to force myself into something that i'm not welcome......

we all get crossroads in our life...... if we find ourselves not looking at the same direction, if we found ourselves not on the same page...... if we found ourselves being "let go" or being kicked out to the curb there's nothing left to do but to let go....... there are battles not worth fighting........ because it would be like picking up pieces of a broken mirror...... the more you bend down and try to get the broken pieces and put them together the more you'll hurt yourself in the process........

2nd time. 2nd time that i failed. it feels like im in that office again. facing that man, while i so desperately tried to fight my tears while he tells me "i'm sorry miss, i can't give you the permit"........... it feels like it's that day again that the janitress was looking at me weird inside the elevator because i was crying.........


right now, i pray for patience..... for humility...... for understanding..... i pray that i may learn to forgive--fast..... i pray that i would stop looking back and to stop feeling bitter and instead just move on.......




gb tf.

i wish..

i wish..

....i could stop crying...

sometimes my temper is connected to my tear ducts....

another rejection...


... i dont' want to be so uber melodramatic.... i have said my piece to them and i guess that's enough....... it was a hard decision for them to make also and i'm sure they're aware that if there's one person who'll give them a hard time that would be me...... i'm sorry, i know i'm a handful but i just know how to exercise my right...... but dont' worry, i won't try to force myself into something that i'm not welcome......

we all get crossroads in our life...... if we find ourselves not looking at the same direction, if we found ourselves not on the same page...... if we found ourselves being "let go" there's nothing left to do but to let go....... there are battles not worth fighting........ because it would be like picking up pieces of a broken mirror...... the more you bend down and try to get the broken pieces and put them together the more you'll hurt yourself in the process........

right now, i pray for patience..... for humility...... for understanding..... i pray that i would stop looking back and to stop feeling bitter..... that i should instead just move on.......

everything happens for a reason.......

everything
happens
for
a
reason

Friday, October 17, 2008

hibernate..


i plan to hibernate for a month.....

i have to.... or i swear i'll lose my mind.....

i need to renew "me"....

please include me in your prayers....

Thursday, October 16, 2008

go phillies!

go phillies!

i think i'm their lucky charm....they've been winning since i came in philly to live...hahaha... just kidding!

i have to wear my phillies shirt, hmm....

photos taken from http://philadelphia.phillies.mlb.com

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

you know you gotta make up your mind


another song moment.......


The One You Love
- Glenn Frey

I know you need a friend, someone you can talk to
Who will understand what you're going through
When it comes to love, there's no easy answer
Only you can say what you're gonna do

I heard you on the phone, you took his number
Said you weren't alone, but you'd call him soon
Isn't he the guy, the guy who left you cryin'?
Isn't he the one who made you blue?

When you remember those nights in his arms
You know you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

What you gonna say when he comes over?
There's no easy way to see this through
All the broken dreams, all the disappointment
Oh girl, what you gonna do?

Your heart keeps sayin' it's just not fair
But still you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above

Sunday, October 12, 2008

cooking moment: baby back ribs and mushroom a la teriyaki


i'm trying to experiment marinading and cooking with wine and this is my first attempt.....

recipe here --> Baby_back_ribs_and_mushroom_a_la_teriyaki

i shouldn't depend my happiness from other people...


one of my friends here blogged about how lonely it could be sometimes realizing that you don't have someone to hold hands with just because..... or someone who would look you in the eyes and that glance would tell you everything without even saying the most used three words.... how lonely it is not to have someone to tell your daily angst or how happy you are that day or someone to just sit side by side with without any of you speaking a word but just knowing that person's presence makes that moment complete......

i know it too well......

you have friends, ofcourse, but that wouldn't give you that emotional satisfaction...... that feeling of being loved and cared for.......... friendship love is different...... if you've been inlove and been loved by a special someone you should know what i mean.....

i told myself that i should never ask for anybody else's approval............ i should do things because i know i want that and not because i want to impress anyone........... i know i shouldn't be begging for someone who would tell me "if i just lay here will you lie with me and just forget the world"......... that would sound as if i'm hopelessly want to find someone who would satisfy my egotistic cravings............. it's like im depending my happiness on finding that someone because i need that someone's affirmation, because i need to feel i am important, that i'm being cared for, that that someone loves me.......... insecurity sucks and it's never my thing.............. i should feel complete even if i don't have someone i could exchange passionate kisses with............ i hate the feeling that i feel lonely just because there's no one who would look into my eyes and tell me how beautiful i am or how he loves me that he would do anything for me.............. it just bothers me that i need a special someone because i feel lonely.......... i don't like depending on other people......... i don't like to sound like a complete parasite..........

i know i shouldn't be rushing things and that my time would come............ but what i want my brain cells to digest that being alone shouldn't define me........... i should feel complete whatever........... i'm self-sufficient most of the time and it irks me that i feel helpless whenever i think of my situation........... i hate that............. i dont like feeling that i need other people to make me happy........... because i know if i depend on other people for my happiness i would always be disappointed................. i know what your argument for me would be, that we need other people, that disappointment is part of living our life on earth.......... fuck that.......... i want as few disappointments as humanly possible and i wouldn't allow anyone to dictate how i should live my life............. ofcourse i know i need people but i don't want to always live for other people............. i should know where the fine line of dependency with other people starts and end.................

Thursday, October 09, 2008

if i just lay here..will you lie w/ me and just forget the world


love this song......

chasing cars
by snow patrol


We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

is this the sight i want to see every morning..

from my notebook: dated sept 21, 2008

i would hear muffled roar of traffic and most of the time i find myself standing infront of my window, my arms spread wide, holding on to each side of the frame. while i look outside in that position it feels like as if i'm holding a piece of the outside world. all the trees, part of 309, the rooftops, my neighbors windows outlined on the glass between my two bare hands.

is this the sight i want to see every morning? or every night before i go to sleep?

ofcourse i still miss home. but somehow, i find peace in being all by myself. anti social? no. more like i'm loving my independence.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

if i were a boy ..



If I Were A Boy Lyrics
by beyonce


If I were a boy
I could just turn off my phone
and tell that its broken
so she’ll think
that I was sleeping alone
i’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
cause i know that
she’ll be faithful
waiting for me to come home
if I were a boy
I think that I’d understand
how it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
cause i know how it hurts
when you loose the one you wanted
cause he’s taken you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

grrr

hindi na talaga...

hinding-hinding-hindi na..

leche.

Friday, October 03, 2008

hurt your ego..

sometimes i ask.....

do we cry over lost love (or atleat we thought we love) because we really love that someone or because it hurt our ego...

all ego hates rejection....

and all ego wants to feel that he/she's special....

think abou it......

Thursday, October 02, 2008

debt = death


for the next 3-4 years...

that means bye-bye to car shopping..

*sigh*

no car for me..


looks like i can't get a car for the next 2-3 years to take care of a more "pressing" problem......

*sigh*

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