i'm closing this chapter to start a new...
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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
walking down memory lane
so another year is about to end and 2012 is just around the corner....
and again, like i would always do since i started to learn about dates and time and calendars, i would look at a fresh new calendar, look at each of the months and days and wonder what those dates hold for me... and then i'll start reminiscing about things that have transpired during the last 360+ days and start being nostalgic... i'll find myself taking a walk down the memory lane again and sometimes i would go as far as 4 to 5 years ago...
four years ago was 2007... it was when i made a decision that i have to stop waiting..... as a matter of fact i'm not even sure there's actually something to wait for, so i thought i should just go ahead and do what i have been wanting to do all my life and see where that decision will take me... and so i left the country to try and work in the U.S. .....
2007 was a very rough time for me... i was crying buckets because of home sickness (i thought i never have this problem but when ur surrounded with strangers it will just sprung to life), because i was missing someone and because i don't have a client and salary for several months and i'm just living off of $100/month allowance that my consultant employer gives me... i was worried that my dwindling savings in the philippines would dry up soon and i won't have money to send my dad.... i was scared there won't be food on the table and they won't be able to pay the utility bills anymore when i dont get a client in time...then ofcourse there's this business of trying to adapt... i also had no relatives in the U.S., no friends that i'm comfortable to pour my heart to.... i was scared about my future and extremely lonely... but alas! i found a solution to my loneliness!
or so i thought...
my solution didn't last, in fact, it actually made matters worst and so the tear ducts giveth, and giveth, and giveth, again, and again... i was left broken that i was cursing myself why i even left my country..... the only consolation i have though after that incident was that i did got myself a permanent full time employment on november of 2007 (2 months after "that" incident) but other aspects of my life are still trying to adapt and it was still downhill for me...
then i decided it's time to bounce back..... i'm alone in this country & nobody's gonna help me through but myself...... so i joined a group, the SFC (Singles for Christ) and attempted to make friends..... but somehow something changed me.... i became too cautious and wasn't as open like when i was back in the philippines....it was too hard for me to open up & be too comfortable with anyone because i'm just too scared to get too dependent and only to one day find myself being abandoned again and to have to adjust to being back to being alone again... i don't want to go through that roller coaster of emotions anymore..... so i try to keep people at arms length but please know that i do love and cherish those handful of selected close friends i have here in the U.S...they've been always there for me even if i sometimes seemed like i just disappeared on the face of the earth..thank you for being there for me, you know who you are...
so it was that way for me... i have my guards up all the time... i bought a cheap used car (my 1st sedan car with 100,000+ miles on it) so i don't have to depend on my friends driving me around... i try to distance myself from my friends and try not to ask favors because i don't want to be a bother to them.. i try not to suffocate them with stories about the not so good things that have been happening to me... i learn how to suffer alone and in silence... i figured they too have their own problems and i dont want to burden them with mine...i have learned to become independent in a whole new different level....
and then august of 2009 came...
i found my GG (God's gift) and things turned 180 degrees after that...its amazing how some twisted turn of events can take you to where you are right now..... it all seemed like all the things i went through and all the things i've said no or yes to all led me to this moment... that's why i'm a firm believer of "everything is half chance" and that "whatever decisions you make can either make or break you"... slowly things keep getting better... and better.. and better... 2010 came and went... then 2011 came...
it was a wonderful 2011 for me... i got engaged... im almost done planning two weddings... have visited 2 new countries... i left my apartment of four years and moved to a house... i have a new pet (a sweet female greyhound)... i changed employer... i'm back working in center city philadelphia (which i always love)... and a lot more small blessings that just keeps piling up!
yes, there's just too many blessings that it overwhelms me sometimes that i tend to get so teary-eyed counting them... there is indeed Someone watching over me...
p.s.
looking forward to meeting you 2012...
and again, like i would always do since i started to learn about dates and time and calendars, i would look at a fresh new calendar, look at each of the months and days and wonder what those dates hold for me... and then i'll start reminiscing about things that have transpired during the last 360+ days and start being nostalgic... i'll find myself taking a walk down the memory lane again and sometimes i would go as far as 4 to 5 years ago...
four years ago was 2007... it was when i made a decision that i have to stop waiting..... as a matter of fact i'm not even sure there's actually something to wait for, so i thought i should just go ahead and do what i have been wanting to do all my life and see where that decision will take me... and so i left the country to try and work in the U.S. .....
2007 was a very rough time for me... i was crying buckets because of home sickness (i thought i never have this problem but when ur surrounded with strangers it will just sprung to life), because i was missing someone and because i don't have a client and salary for several months and i'm just living off of $100/month allowance that my consultant employer gives me... i was worried that my dwindling savings in the philippines would dry up soon and i won't have money to send my dad.... i was scared there won't be food on the table and they won't be able to pay the utility bills anymore when i dont get a client in time...then ofcourse there's this business of trying to adapt... i also had no relatives in the U.S., no friends that i'm comfortable to pour my heart to.... i was scared about my future and extremely lonely... but alas! i found a solution to my loneliness!
or so i thought...
my solution didn't last, in fact, it actually made matters worst and so the tear ducts giveth, and giveth, and giveth, again, and again... i was left broken that i was cursing myself why i even left my country..... the only consolation i have though after that incident was that i did got myself a permanent full time employment on november of 2007 (2 months after "that" incident) but other aspects of my life are still trying to adapt and it was still downhill for me...
then i decided it's time to bounce back..... i'm alone in this country & nobody's gonna help me through but myself...... so i joined a group, the SFC (Singles for Christ) and attempted to make friends..... but somehow something changed me.... i became too cautious and wasn't as open like when i was back in the philippines....it was too hard for me to open up & be too comfortable with anyone because i'm just too scared to get too dependent and only to one day find myself being abandoned again and to have to adjust to being back to being alone again... i don't want to go through that roller coaster of emotions anymore..... so i try to keep people at arms length but please know that i do love and cherish those handful of selected close friends i have here in the U.S...they've been always there for me even if i sometimes seemed like i just disappeared on the face of the earth..thank you for being there for me, you know who you are...
so it was that way for me... i have my guards up all the time... i bought a cheap used car (my 1st sedan car with 100,000+ miles on it) so i don't have to depend on my friends driving me around... i try to distance myself from my friends and try not to ask favors because i don't want to be a bother to them.. i try not to suffocate them with stories about the not so good things that have been happening to me... i learn how to suffer alone and in silence... i figured they too have their own problems and i dont want to burden them with mine...i have learned to become independent in a whole new different level....
and then august of 2009 came...
i found my GG (God's gift) and things turned 180 degrees after that...its amazing how some twisted turn of events can take you to where you are right now..... it all seemed like all the things i went through and all the things i've said no or yes to all led me to this moment... that's why i'm a firm believer of "everything is half chance" and that "whatever decisions you make can either make or break you"... slowly things keep getting better... and better.. and better... 2010 came and went... then 2011 came...
it was a wonderful 2011 for me... i got engaged... im almost done planning two weddings... have visited 2 new countries... i left my apartment of four years and moved to a house... i have a new pet (a sweet female greyhound)... i changed employer... i'm back working in center city philadelphia (which i always love)... and a lot more small blessings that just keeps piling up!
yes, there's just too many blessings that it overwhelms me sometimes that i tend to get so teary-eyed counting them... there is indeed Someone watching over me...
p.s.
looking forward to meeting you 2012...
Monday, December 19, 2011
my last birthday.... as m.cruz
i just celebrated my birthday and i realized that's my last birthday as m.c. because on my next birthday i will be m.n.... no dash for me for practical reason (and which will be a separate blog)...
anyway, this post is really about my wishlist, lol....
i usually blog about my wishlist come september but got too busy and lazy, lol
so here goes, in no paricular order (kunyari excited kayo, lol)
0. macbook pro (but i got this already a few weeks ago as an early bday/christmas gift)
1. airbrush makeup system.
2. YMCA 1 year membership
3. Lightroom 3 for mac
4. mac mouse
5. iphone 4s case
6. issey miyake perfume
7. that photoshop actions im eyeing on.
8. and maybe giftcards from dress barn or macys or charlotte russe
that's it pancit!
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