it's been a year...RIP ayeen

rest in peace....

it's been a year since i received that email that i am being booted out from the travel agency i was part-owner of..... it's been a year since they told me about the liquidation (or as one of my other friends call it, the "buy-out"), unfortunately, i never heard from them for a year now......

initially i told them that i don't need the money just to prove my point that i'm not in it for the money............... that's also the reason why i have no idea how much the travel agency was earning when i was still with them because i never checked the books, the income................ because aside from the fact that i trusted them, i'm also just not that much into the earnings because i just genuinely love what we're doing............... all those who know me knows that i'm very passionate about travelling.............

anyway, as i was saying, i initally told them i dont need the money but i figured i could use that for something worthwhile..... i was planning to use that money to sponsor a children's field trip for the sick kids at kythe foundation or the orphans from "pugad sa bosco"...... but that didn't materialize because like i said i never heard from them again......but i'm sure they have a very good reason why they forgot about the liquidation.....

i remember sending them my last email (on april 13, 2009 9:05 am) and the last paragraph was:

"i just feel that it's time to let go......life is too short to be mad all the time..... i also didn't write to ask for pity or anything, just treat me however you think i deserve to be treated..."

i guess the treatment they think i deserve is to be ignored........ but that's fine....... i'm sure they have valid reasons....... everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt...... they are just very busy.......

am i still bitter? am i still mad?

to be perfectly honest it was difficult, very difficult........ i had to deal with anger, self-pity and i was hurting, big time.......... it's like having that special someone you love and trust w/ all your heart only to find out later that he's been cheating on you........it made me feel sad whenever i hear about surfvivor or the photoholic....... i felt that tightening on my chest whenever i try look at their website (i do that to inoculate myself, not to torture myself)......but it is what it is............. i need to learn to let go,  i have to let go.............. continuing to wallow in anger wouldn't change anything.......... i have two choices, continue to stay mad and drain my love tank and be bitter for the rest of my life or just charge it to experience, move on and continue counting my blessings........ second choice sounded better right? it would help me fill up my love tank ..........


"i just feel that it's time to let go......life is too short to be mad all the time..... i also didn't write to ask for pity or anything, just treat me however you think i deserve to be treated..."

anger, rest in peace.......

 

when am i getting out of here?

oct. 24, 2009 - 1:30-2:30 - saturday

weekends is when i usually do my hospice volunteer...

==== T ====

I found (T) sitting on his padded wheelchair at the dining hall sleeping. He looked a little older each time i visit him. I tried touching his shoulder when I said hi to him and told him why i was there but he didn't nudge. i tried again and still the same. so i just sat with him again while he's sleeping tapping his shoulders every now and then to atleast let him know of my presence.

 

==== J ====

I went to (J) next. She's also sitting at the dining hall watching t.v. I said hi to her and she's pleasant as usual smiling at me and all. She tried saying something but she stopped. Don't know if she lost her trail of thought. Anyway, I made small talks. She would usually reply by smiling or winking at me. I gave her a tissue when she started coughing and some green mucus came out from her nose and she started wiping some on the table. The funny part was she asked what that is when I gave her the tissue and she started kinda playing w/ it. Most of my patients have dementia.



==== P ====
(P) was on her room lying down sideways on her bed with her shoes still on. I knocked at her door and said hello and told her I'm there to visit her. Since there's no chair I started setting up my portable chair and sat at her bed side. The first thing she said was "When am i getting out of here?". Poor (P). I think she's really getting bored at the hospital. So anyway, I sat there touching her knees and arms and I asked her if she wants me to read for her. She mumbled something so I'm assuming that's ok, because normally if she doesn't like it she'll just flat out say "no". So I went to get the book and started reading for her.


===== I ====
I was about to visit (I) next and was preparing to leave (P)'s room when I heard another volunteer (the guy who does reiki) looking for (I). So I'm skipping it today and I'll just come back tomorrow. I have other engagements to attend to today that I don't think I can wait til the other volunteer is done or i'll be late.

continued here: http://touchsoothes.blogspot.com

lead me not into temptation, i can find it myself...

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... A wedge of lime, and a shot of

tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with

it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your

personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here..

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk

funny.

11. When life gives you lemons - turn it into lemonade then mix it with

vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married

man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the

hardest...

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble..

15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter

who thinks she's wrong.


thanks jet for this...love it!

one month to live...

security is mostly a superstition. it does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. life is either a daring adventure or nothing  - helen keller

a ship is safe in harbor but that's not what ships are made for - william shedd


two tuesdays ago was the scheduled monthly meeting for all volunteers...... aside from talking about the status of our visits and our patients we also do some workshop stuff and that night was  "One Month to Live - Risking Greatness"...... like, what will you do if you found out that you just have one month to live? will you stay inside your shell and wallow on self pity or will you start taking risks? i did write some things that i would do if my days are numbered but they're not for public consumption......... they are just so cheesy it's embarassing, lol

anyway........... i just thought i need to pour out my thoughts about taking risks......

is it better to be "safe" than to experience life at it's fullest?  my answer is no......

my friends always thought of me as complicated.......... that i would sometimes do things the hard way.......... that i can't stay in one place.............. that i tend to deviate from the normal flow of things (therefore the label non-comformist)......... what some of them don't understand is i do things that way sometimes because i want to see and to know what's out there...... i want to feel how it feels like to deviate from normal (boring) path........... i do want to get out of my comfort zone once in a while.......... i don't like just staying in my nest, i need to fly........

ofcourse there would be risks when you trudge the unknown but hey, that's the fun of it...... case in point........ if i stayed in my country, sure i would still have a high-paying job (yes, Php40,000/month is just too low of an offer for a java programmer w/ 10 years experience)........ sure i have my dad who can take care of me when i'm sick...... sure, all my close friends that i've known for a long time will always be there for me when i need someone to go to a movie or people-watch with or go shopping or just hang out on coffee shops with...... they're there when i need to pour my heart out "anytime"........ yes,that's living in my "comfort zone", my "safe" life.........

nothing wrong with it actually but then if i stayed i wouldn't have experienced these things i had and will experience....... i won't get to meet all those wonderful people i met....... it's true, some of them broke my heart, some of them forgot about me one new year's eve that i ended up gulping half a bottle of tequila all by myself because of depression, lol (spending holidays alone just drives me nuts)......... but that's fine.... because if not for all those experiences  i wouldn't have realized how i shouldn't depend my happiness on anyone............ if not for those who broke my heart and who have trampled on my spirit & dignity i couldn't have learned how all the more i should appreciate those genuine and caring friends who will always be there for me and would never hurt me and would never leave me....... if i haven't experienced rejection i couldn't have learned my lesson in humility and patience.............  if i haven't met that special friend i wouldn't have realized how physical appearance should stay in the back seat and what matters is how you get along and that there's trust and everything else should be secondary.....


and ofcourse there's also risk involved in relationships.......... i know of a lot of people who would shy away from relationships because they're afraid to get hurt, to be vulnerable--i'm the opposite.......... i embrace it and savor it while it lasts (or atleast until i get back to my senses, lol)......... it's useless to worry about advance problems that we are not even sure would happen............ we should learn to let go of what is not yet otherwise we won't be able to enjoy the present........... like what Siddhartha Gotama, Theranamo Sutta once said: "Let go of what is past. Let go of what is not yet. Observe deeply what is happening in the present moment, but do not become attached to it."


it's normal to be cautious ofcourse, but try not to over do it..... don't give in to prejudices, give everyone a chance to prove to you that they're worth loving.......that person might be the "one" for all we know........ or he/she might not be the right one for you but how would you know that if you didn't atleast try? that's why i'd rather embrace the "now" and just deal with the short comings and problems as they come rather than worrying way too ahead in advance.......... it's really not worth it being overly paranoid and to be afraid of taking risks because that might just ruin your relationships or your chance of a better future........


yes, it's scary but some risks are worth taking (choose your "risks" wisely)..........do i get scared before "plunging" into the unknown? ofcourse! but my mentality is i try to eliminate as many could-have-beens and might-have-beens in my life as possible because it would be a real bummer to look back when i'm all wrinkly and with a terrible case of athritis, full of regrets and whacking my self on the head wondering "why the heck was i such a wimp? i should have atleast tried..."

"Let go of what is past. Let go of what is not yet. Observe deeply what is happening in the present moment, but do not become attached to it."...........