don't blame anyone for what you've become...

"being in your 20s is the best years of ones life, use it well"  -- from a friend


sometimes i have this nagging feeling that i have wasted the prime of my life..... don't get me wrong, i learned a lot of things and i  enjoyed every second of my youth but it just makes me sad that i still could feel the "could-have-beens" and "might-have-beens" staring me in the face....

if i knew that my waiting is futile i shouldn't have tried putting my life on hold.... it has been my dream since i was a kid to see the world.... to work and live outside my country....... to experience how it is to live independently..... but i have to put that off because i was patiently waiting for something to happen....... i was blinded w/ my own emotions and i don't want to jeopardize that something that i have carefully nurtured..... if i knew that i wasn't the priority and that nothing good will come out of the waiting, i could have just left my country 6 years ago instead of 3....

am i bitter because i was infinitely on "stand by" mode?

no.

i just wished i have decided sooner.... because the sooner i have decided the sooner i could have found out the "response" --- waiting for calls that never came.... wishing for a visit that never happened..... simply because we all have different "priorities"...... that's when i realized i wasn't as patient as i used to be and waiting is just pure torture........ my solution is to rebel, to show that i don't need anyone so i tried to move on, to get on with my life..... unfortunately, i made few more wrong decisions because i was doing things for the wrong reasons and it had hurt me twice as much........... that's also when i came to realize that i should never, never depend my happiness on anyone.......

but i'm stubborn............ i decided to try saving that something that i think is still worth saving....... so i played with fire and rekindled the dying ember of the past........ it was a successful attempt and found myself holding hands with the past...... i know what i want but  "indecision" made itself known.......another proof that "priority" is still not on my side......... that's when i came to my senses--i need to close that chapter -- fast....... it's not worth it anymore........


i try not to regret the decisions i made but sometimes i can't help but think that if i didn't allow my emotion to rule over my reasoning and if i have decided sooner and i was smarter and more practical i could have toured the world by now...... i could have been married and with kids, who could have been 6 and 3 years old, by now (my ideal age to get married is 26).... but realizing that i'm almost in my mid-30's makes me think that chance is getting slimmer and slimmer all because of my wasted 20s.... but i still believe in miracles and i still believe in God's grace...... i keep reminding myself, "in His time"....in His time......

and that time came..... and it's wonderful....


what we are right now is the product of our decisions..... we have to take responsibilities for each of the decisions we made, good or bad....... don't blame anyone for what you've become...... you are you're own man..... you make your own decisions...... sure, we always make wrong decisions, who doesn't, but don't make that as an excuse to never bounce back...... don't make that as an excuse to forever stay at the bottom......it's useless to cry over spilled milk..... it won't bring back the dead...... it won't turn back the time.... we just have to make the most out of our current situation.... we just have to make peace with the outcome of the bad decisions we made and try not to do same mistakes again.....and never stop hoping that one day good karma will come along and that everything would be better the next time around......