she missed her train again. she sighed. it's useless to feel mad, it won't bring the train back. it's useless to get mad at the other shuttle passengers for being late because it still wouldn't bring the train back. she put her hands inside her coat's pockets. boy, it's still chilly. she can't wait for summer.
"i take it you saw your other bf over this weekend?"
"other bf? interesting. i dont have reserves like you.."
"i dont have reserves either...i already told you that, you keep thinking i have all these
girls....completely untrue"
"im just throwing ur accusations back at you..i wont get all upset when i cant' see you if i have my reserves..."
he answered with a laugh.
he really amuses her. he has walls built around him. but it amazes her when she sees a tiny bit of emotions trickling from him and what's more amazin is how he would suddenly withdraw himself and go back to his cold self. he always looks like he's playing tug of war with his emotions. yes, that's it. that's why. she can see part of herself in him. that's what draws her to him. she knows what's inside that very cold exterior.
"are you happy when i get all upset when i cant see you? i bet you do.... good for your ego"
"not really. b/c when you get all upset, i dont get to see you. ego is not a big deal for me. i dont know why you keep thinking it is"
"not really?"
"not really. you must think im some sort of egomaniac. i'm really not."
"you like attention.."
"who doesnt. but doesnt help or hurt my ego if i dont get it. you gotta remember, i lived with no siblings and 1 parent that was always at work. i didnt get that much attention as a kid, so it doesnt bother me now"
she opened her back pack and pulled out a book. it's true betrayals by nora roberts. she had that book since december and never gotten around to reading it. she had to wait for the next train for twenty five minutes so she might as well do something to kill time. another sigh. she started reading. "How could you do this?", said the character in the story.
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he took another drag on his cigarette, expelled smoke lazily. why can't he stop thinking about her. he could have stopped trying to reach her when she "hibernated" but he just kept missing her. he made a wrong move of sending her a message that he misses her but heck, he does misses her. although he admits he felt stupid for sending her that message when she didn't reply. what was he thinking.
"i wish im like you... detached... no feelings, no emotions..."
"i wouldnt say no feelings or emotions. i just know i dont want to be in a serious relationship, so i keep myself from getting too attached. but, its impossible not to have at least some feelings and emotions when it comes to you or else, i wouldve said, screw it, not worth it"
"i don't understand what you're saying"
"if i wasnt feeling anything for you, i would've said, screw this, its not worth it. you change your mind too often. you make me pretty much beg to see you sometimes. im not as cold hearted as you think"
"i dont want to change my mind.... but like i told you, i try to quit you....i just cant... i want to get mad at you and just disappear... i cant do it..."
he laughed, "yea, im like that annoying rash you cant get rid of. i keep coming back again and again"
she ignored him, " i would make a resolution to stay away from you...but i would just miss you each time.
"do you think i like it that i change my mind for you a lot? no....because i know what you'll think.... that everytime i say goodbye you would know that i would just come back...my credibility's gone..... but i can't help not coming back...", she continued.
there is something about this woman that really strikes him. he doesn't know what yet. yes, he hates her when he's being all moody and so mad every last week of the month. but when he comes to see her and she smiles at him and asked him if he had eaten yet, everything, everything just feels right. it's like, yes, this is the place where he wants to be right now. here. infront of those inquiring eyes. but something is always holding him back. he let out another sigh. he wishes he's not as cynical as he is now. but who could blame him. yes, he was onced engaged to a beautiful woman. his girlfriend of 5 years. the only person he trusts aside from his mom but she broke the engagement off. its' true that it's been 3 years since she broke off the engagement and he had move on. and he doesn't like it when the ex-fiance still calls him once in a while. ofcourse he would still talk to her, he doesn't want to be rude. but animosity. animosity is what he's feelings for his ex fiance is.
he heard a laughter from outside the window. he smiled. that's how she laughs. contagious. and when she gets mad, he chuckled, some women looked their best when their emotions were at a dangerous peak. so it had been with her. cheeks flushed. her eyes, oh yes, the eyes. he shook his head.
"how do you do it?", she says
"not really sure. but i've always been the type to keep people at arms length. sometimes i wish i wasnt like that"
"i wish i can do that too...i hate being too emotional...it makes me look weak...i am too proud for that.."
"i think it comes from being an only child, no father around and lots of friends either dying or leaving when i was younger"
"you have a good "filtering system".... i want to know where i could buy one...", she laughed
" wish i could tell you, i want to know how to stop it too"
yes. he wished he could stop it. but he hates being vulnerable. he doesn't want to be vulnerable again.
"give me a call or text later. if you want"
"i would like to call you but i doubt if i can.."
"ok"
"pride gets in the way sometimes", that laughter again
"how about if i call you?"
"i'd like that.."
he picked up his phone. navigated thru the menu, pressed the button for contacts and scrolled until he found the letter D. D-T, he smiled. he pressed the call button and listened while the phone started ringing.
"hey...", he loves the way she answers the phone
"hey", he answered back
"someone just woke up..", he can hear the smile in her voice
"yeah, pretty much. what are you doing?"
"i'm at walmart", she chuckles
"again?"
"c'mon be nice, this is my hobby!", laughter
he smiled.
he won't let her go.
not yet.
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